Bittersweetly

 {Yeah, I don’t really get it either.  But it’s an owl!  Sitting on a chair! 

The cover of my new small work notebook!}

Friday was my last day in the lab, or at least my last paid day in the lab.  I had been anticipating the day with a mixture of relief and dread.  Relief to be at the end of a long journey that had started out so hopefully and was ending sadly.  Dread to be facing another day of the tedium of cleaning out my lab spaces and to be the center of attention during a farewell cake ‘n’ coffee hour that my boss had organized.  It felt novel and bizarre to be leaving on such unsuccessful terms.  The day marked the first time in my whole life that I was transitioning out of a Big Thing (school or job) and into…something.  Something that has yet to be carved out, defined, polished.  Into the unknown.

I walked into the building on Friday morning with angry tears welling in my eyes.  It’s hard to not be angry about how things have turned out because I worked so hard and was so very loyal to my project and to science.  But I didn’t want to be a blubbering mess, so I took a few deep breaths and headed up the stairs to get my day started.  And it turned out to be a not-so-bad day after all.  I spent most of it moving from station to station, from the freezers to the Fly Room to my desk and back to the freezers.  There was just so much to do: papers and files to be sorted, documents to be scanned, data to be pushed from one computer to another, tubes to be tossed or saved according to their future value.  I’m actually not quite done with all my organizing, despite having worked on it over the course of several days last week.  The volume was too much.

By the time the cake ‘n’ coffee hour rolled around, I was happy to take a break from organizing.  The whole lab showed up, and we ate crumb cake and drank espresso.  Everyone had signed a card for me (so sweet!) and my boss gave me three books, including this beauty:  

He made a little speech with a vague reference to what I might be doing next (which is…? more about that soon, dear reader!), and then I made a little speech.  I told the lab how much I enjoyed working with them, how I could not have asked for a better postdoc lab.  I rambled about science and taking risks.  I only cried a little bit, and I’m very proud of that.  But mostly I wanted them to know that despite my leaving, we were still colleagues, and that they were special to me.

Then I returned to the never-ending task of my clean-out and went for a quick run around campus (marathon, I am stepping up to the plate for you).  Paul picked me up for a celebratory date, and we headed over to swanky Veritas for some wine.  Sitting inside the fancy wine bar, Paul looked right at me and said, “I don’t like this place.”

Um, what?

Yes, my sweet boyfriend, who is usually so mellow and happy about life, took out the claws and made a big swipe at my beloved Veritas as we were sitting there.  So much for enjoying for ambiance!  Paul called it pretentious (which it is) and overpriced (also true) and poked fun at the people, all pretending to be rich and fancy for an evening (accurate?).  And yet…I enjoy going to Veritas every once in a while.  I probably won’t be going there again any time soon, given my unemployed status, but was it really necessary to be so brutally honest at Veritas, knowing that I wanted to be there?

Perhaps it wasn’t necessary, but it is a price that Paul and I pay for the honesty that makes our relationship mutually satisfying.  The conversation about Veritas was just the first of several difficult topics that we tackled.  It was the kind of evening where we walked right up to the edge of the cliff, looked down, and asked ourselves, “Why are we together?”  Paul talked about fun and novelty, and I suggested maybe he should date a rollercoaster instead.  Because I don’t date for fun and novelty.  For me, the reward of a serious relationship is knowing and being known by another in a loving, profound way.  I date for keeps.  

And yet, of course fun and novelty are part of the joy of a new relationship!  Paul and I are still in that early stage where we’re probably annoying everyone else with our constant touching and warm-fuzzy feelings.  What I see beyond our shallow New Relationship Energy is a shared desire for companionship.  I feel that there is something deeper at work between us, an orientation toward the future that I’ve never had before, at least with a romantic partner.  It’s a happy, optimistic feeling for me.  I’m willing to struggle through uncomfortable conversations about detachment and what it means to miss (or not miss) someone if it leads to a deeper understanding of where each of us stands, right now.  I know that for me, joy and sadness often coexist in my heart, and I am comfortable living that paradox.  That’s why my last day of work was both a relief and dreadful, happy and sad, bittersweet.  I sometimes worry that my capacity for conflicting feelings detaches me from experiencing the present moment.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s time to move on, and I’m happy to have a companion walking beside me now, during this transition.  I’m also happy for Tom Petty, whose song has been my theme song for the last month:

“What lies ahead I have no way of knowing.  But under my feet, baby, grass is growing.  Yeah, it’s time to move on.”

Monday Night Postcard

Wow, hello!  I’m so happy to be back in this space, if only for a few minutes tonight.  Paul and I just got back from a wonderful weekend in Dallas filled with great vegan food, new friends, and mind-blowing conversations.  I feel so inspired to begin a fresh week.  You might recall that my job ended last week, so this Monday feels like the first day of what my friend Courtney calls “funemployment.”  In other words, less time working means more time for fun!

Speaking of Courtney (whose on-line persona can be found here and here, among other places), she’s coming for a visit this week, so the funemployment continues.  It’s a bit of a juggling act this week, as I’d like to spend some time writing in this space, if for no other reason than to capture in words what I’m feeling as I (really, truly) begin my transition into the wild, wooly world beyond postdocking*.  I’m excited and nervous about this phase of my life—mostly excited but also uncertain and a little scared.  But because this week is devoted to socializing and a few other appointments, I will have to be very deliberate about carving out some time to write.  It’s amazing how busy one can feel while unemployed!  I definitely don’t miss having a job yet.

So, this week I want to tell you more about my last day at work, the celebratory dinner afterward, and a wonderful weekend in Dallas.  After that, who knows?  There are so many stories, recipes, ideas, and questions to be explored here.  SO MUCH TO SAY!  It’s going to be an interesting summer, for sure, and I’m excited to take you along for the ride.

Have a happy week, dear readers.

* I officially declare “postdocking” to be a real world.  postdocking (verb): the act of working in a postdoctoral position, especially within a university.

“His argument was not with God…”

It’s a rainy Wednesday morning here in Texas, and I’m sniffly and grumpy.  Talking with an old mentor of mine last night, he told me that the best way to recover from a research heartbreak is rest and lots of good sex.  I’m three days away from being able to put that plan into action, and I can’t wait.  After diagnosing myself with mild depression, I’m eager to see if some time away from academic science restores my sense of aliveness, my sense of joy.

In the meantime, Paul loaned me his copy of The Varieties of Scientific Experience by Carl Sagan.  I love it.  This book might also be a good prescription for a heart broken by science.  The editor’s introduction by Ann Druyan moved me to tears, and I thought I’d share a passage from it today.

“His argument was not with God but with those who believed that our understanding of the sacred had been completed.  Science’s permanently revolutionary conviction that the search for truth never ends seemed to him the only approach with sufficient humility to be worthy of the universe it revealed.  The methodology of science, with its error-correcting mechanism for keeping us honest in spite of our chronic tendencies to project, to misunderstand, to deceive ourselves and others, seemed to him the height of spiritual discipline.  If you are searching for sacred knowledge and not just a palliative for your fears, then you will train yourself to be a good skeptic….For him, science was, in part, a kind of ‘informed worship.’  No single step in the pursuit of enlightenment should ever be considered sacred; only the search was.”

Beautiful, no?  Only the search is sacred.  Maybe that’s true of all our seeking.

Giveaway: Pretty Jewelry from Simply Bridal

Today I have something a little unusual for you: a giveaway from Simply Bridal.  Simply Bridal is an on-line site for pretty things for brides, including dresses, veils, and jewelry.  Now, I’m going to guess that most of you are not planning a wedding right now, and I wanted everyone to feel included—or at least I wanted something for the non-brides among us (including me!).  When Simply Bridal offered to host a jewelry giveaway, I was delighted.  Check out some of their elegant pieces: 

{Clockwise from top left:

*Hammered Chain * Hammered Oval Link Necklace*

*Earwire with Hammered Oval Link * Two-Strand Lariat* }

Beautiful, right?  Heavy on the pearls, I know, but I love pearls.  Many of these pieces are also available in gold, too, if gold is your thing.

For this giveaway, one lucky winner will get to pick one piece from Simply Bridal’s jewelry collection with the exception of May Yeung pieces (which are generally the more expensive jewelry options).  The contest is open to all readers, including those of you outside the United States (hi, Laurie!).  On top of the giveaway, I have a discount code that everyone can use for the Simply Bridal site.  The code is SBL155HD for 15% off, excluding shipping.  The code is good for 10 uses and expires on June 6, 2013.

To enter the contest, leave a comment on this post by telling me a little story about a favorite piece of jewelry.  I’ll go first.  My mom gave me this sweet, fun set of red baubles a few years ago.  The cheerful color and gold stars always make me happy when I wear them. 

 

Good luck, dear readers!  The giveaway ends on Monday, May 20.  I’ll announce the randomly chosen winner later that week.

PS  Happy Mother’s Day to all the American mamas out there.  Such good work you are doing!

A Little Favor

Hi, friends!  Happy strawberry season.  Have you been stuffing yourselves silly with strawberries?  I have, but only in raw form.  I just can’t bear to cook strawberries, so I eat them alone, or on top of my oatmeal, or lightly sweetened with ricotta cheese.  Nothing says, “Spring!” to me more than fresh strawberries.

Today I have an announcement and a favor to ask of you.  You may have noticed some changes around here in the sidebar, such as the page asking for green sponsors.  After a lot of deliberation, I’ve decided to take this blog in a slightly more commercial direction, but one that’s in line with my values.  I’m now thinking of this blog as one that promotes thoughtful consumerism in the context of everyday living.  My real passion is green living, and that’s not limited to one genre like food or clothing or habits.  I think it’s important to take a holistic view of what it means to live sustainably, and I’m excited to explore that more on the blog and in my life.

This decision, of course, coincides with the end of my current job.  The reason is simple: the business side of blogging can take up a lot of time, and I now feel like I’ll have the time for writing posts and the business side of blogging.  I don’t want to sacrifice content for money, and as long as I had a full-time position, I wanted to devote my blogging time to writing posts.  Can you tell that it takes me more than a few minutes to write my posts?  Can you tell I put a lot of thought into what I share here?  I ask these questions not to be pedantic but because I’m not sure if it’s obvious.  This blog has been a labor of love for me for almost six years (six years!), and I’m excited to take it to the next level.

And now, here’s the favor.  I’m starting small by setting up a store with Amazon.  The idea is that if you buy items like cookbooks or ingredients through my Amazon store, I earn a small percentage of your purchase as a commission.  I’m carefully curating the store to include only things I love and use—in other words, things I spend my money on, too.  Buying things through my Amazon store is an easy way of supporting this blog.  If you’ve gotten anything of value from my posts, recipes, ideas, or comments, perhaps you’d consider visiting the Amazon store for any kitchen-related needs.  I would be so grateful for the help!  And to be really honest, your supporting this blog financially makes it easier for me to justify spending more time producing content.  I always have a big working list of post ideas; I just never seem to have enough time to write.  

I plan to tell you more about the direction this blog is heading.  Truly, I’m going out on a limb here to pursue my passion project.  It’s scary and exciting, and I’m so happy to have you along for the ride!  Thanks for reading and for all the love.  My readers are the best, all 800+ of you.

Just Say No to Old Navy?

Let’s talk about Old Navy today, shall we?

I can still remember when I first had regular access to an Old Navy.  Back then, it was a treat and a thrill to have a new mall store filled with cute clothes that I could afford on my modest paycheck.  I was working in the one-hour photo section at Target during the summer before college.  My mornings were spent at the store, feeding film through that giant machine and retrieving orders for customers.  It was easy work, but damn, it was boring.  Being able to browse Old Navy after work made life happier.

As a teenager, I thought Old Navy was great.  Good quality, good prices, the thrill of spending my own money on stuff for me—what’s not to love?  I even still have a jacket I bought from them, a light blue (and slightly too big for me) windbreaker/raincoat that I wear when it’s raining and I want some protection.  My favorite thing about that coat is that it’s lined with super soft grey fleece.  Looking back, it seems that fleecy apparel was one of Old Navy’s signature categories, and oh, how lovely and warm it was!

{10+ years together!  Quality!}

I shopped at Old Navy on and off through college.  In grad school, I discovered the Gap, which happened to be in downtown Evanston and approximately halfway between the lab and home.  Gap and I quickly became best friends.  I discovered that I love their sweaters, and they make great jeans to fit my curves.  I do get my jeans hemmed by a professional, but at my height (5’1”), that’s to be expected.

Living in the Chicago area for graduate school, I still shopped a bit at Old Navy, especially at the impressive multi-story location in downtown Chicago.  (It seems that since I left Chicago, the State Street Old Navy has moved into the old Borders building…and people are NOT HAPPY.  Yikes.)  Anyways, once Gap became a more convenient shopping destination, my Old Navy habit tapered to a minimum.

Then I moved to Texas, and my shopping options changed dramatically.  No more local Ann Taylor Loft, and my local Gap closed not long after I arrived.  So sad.  So what’s left here?  Old Navy, Target, Kohl’s, and for secondhand options, Plato’s Closet.  There are other stores, of course, but those are my main squeezes.

Here’s my question for you: has Old Navy’s quality really declined since I started shopping there in high school?  Or is this a figment of people’s imagination?  Reading style blogs and people’s commentary on quality has got me wondering (and worrying!) about shopping there.  I was in the store a few weeks ago and found a beautiful coral sundress on sale for $10.99.  When I felt the thin (and snaggable?) fabric, I thought, This isn’t going to last.  And when I tried on three tops from the clearance rack, I couldn’t bring myself to buy any of them because I got paranoid about buying cheap clothing.

And yet… 

I bought this pink top last summer from Old Navy and love it so much.  A short-sleeved pink top is a closet staple for me, and I’d been without one for too long.  Feeling a bit desperate, when I found this one for $6, I decided that if it only lasted the summer, I was okay with that.  It’s lasted me almost a year, and I still love it.

And then there’s my denim pencil skirt.

 {Sorry this photo is kinda fuzzy!  Cameras, how do they work?!}

I bought this one while shopping with my sister in December 2011.  She had given me an Old Navy Groupon for Christmas (yay!), and we went shopping for gifts and for ourselves.  I wear this skirt a lot in the warmer months, and it’s pretty easy to ride my bike while wearing it.  Quality-wise, I’m very happy—I imagine this skirt will last for several years, and it fits really well.

I suppose my shopping method at Old Navy is mixed: I either embrace the “this might not last” mentality (as with the pink shirt), or I can see and feel that the quality is good (as with the denim skirt).  But I wish I could shake the feeling of paranoia that other blogs have instilled in me!  It’s kind of unfair, the way that a negative feeling can dominate your experiences.  I haven’t told you at all about the mistakes I’ve made at Old Navy—buying ill-fitting jeans, for example—but it doesn’t seem fair to blame the store or the brand for that.

This post was a bit of a ramble, but I think that’s how it goes sometimes with thoughtful consumerism.  So now I ask you: what’s been your experience with Old Navy?  Do you like shopping there?  Or do you avoid it at all costs?

And the Award for Best Packaging Goes to…

…Napa Valley Naturals Olive Oil!

Check out the clever pour spout that comes with the bottle:

I found this big bottle of oil at Brazos Natural Foods, marked down to $10.99 from $15.39.  For 24.5 ounces, that’s not a bad price!  I sort of hate the weeks when I need to buy new olive oil because it seems so expensive, so I was quite happy to find a good deal at the hippie food store.

But even better is the convenience of the pour spout!  The bottle came capped and sealed, with the pour spout attached.  Once you open the bottle, you can push the spout into place and throw away the cap.  It seems like such a small thing, a pour spout, but it means that every time I grab the olive oil, I can just pour.  Sometimes good design is an overhaul of your entire system.  And sometimes it’s as simple as a pour spout on the olive oil you bought on sale.

Has anything clever crossed your path lately?

* PS This post was not sponsored by anyone.  I just wanted to share.

* PPS I see now that Napa Valley Naturals not only has a website, but even better: they offer free shipping on orders of $49 or more!  That’s awesome.  Also awesome is their pomegranate balsamic vinegar—it’s my favorite vinegar in the pantry and my go-to choice for salad dressings.